Beginning a 5-year plan at 74, during a pandemic?
Making a plan is considered a key skill throughout life … however, perhaps there’s a different approach needed in these days where the future wobbles with such uncertainty.
Begun in late February, 2020, a time we now call BC (before coronavirus):
The first three decades of my life were spent as a chameleon. I worked hard at being invisible, turning whatever color someone wanted me to be. You want cheerful; I’m cheerful. You want responsible; I’m responsible. You want flexible; I’m a yoga master bending to your whims.
That life strategy eventually cracked, but it wasn’t until my 50s when it split open like a ripe watermelon in a hot Kansas field. Poetry, certifiably bad poetry, spewed forth; grade school imagery showed up in art workshops, and “creativity,” a word I don’t remember hearing as a child, took hold of my spirit as I started teaching mindmapping, a technique to help people free their thinking and imaginations. I believed and taught that everyone was creative, while the voice in the back of my head reminded me that I was the one true exception.
All of this is to say that I have been a late bloomer. A recent conversation with a friend about my 18 year-old granddaughter raised the issue of 5-year plans. I’ve had a fairly productive life so my friend was surprised when I told her I had never made a 5-year plan. I guess it surprised me also because the conversation kept haunting me.
In my 20s and 30s, I read most of the popular positive thinking books. I wrote affirmations and filled my mind with possibilities. I visualized wealth and fabulous homes on distant islands. I pasted the title of one of my books on the NY Times best seller list and made vision boards. My efforts were always short-lived and, obviously, not all that effective at materializing those fantasies.
Gradually, I tiptoed into visibility. I began to blog, post art on FB, spew my thoughts on Twitter and occasionally toss something into Instagram and Pinterest. Apparently. I was trying to make up for those years when I was that mousy girl in the corner with her nose in a book. The metaphor may be inept but I basically crept out of the closet and said “this is who I am, take me or leave me.”
So, here I am thinking about 5-year plans in a time when the standard joke is that we don’t even buy green bananas. However, it makes me wonder … why don’t we ALL make 5-year plans, whether at age 74 … or 84 … or even 94? Who cares if we die before we reach the rainbow goal? If our spirits are still reaching for joy, still learning more about ourselves and the world around us, still finding new ways to share our being with others, then wouldn’t that be a good thing?
Anyway, I flung myself into the 5-year plan idea, doing it my way, of course. Fame and fortune are no longer a golden carrot, so no more cars and boats and planes for my plan. The only thing that truly interests me these days is deep connection … with friends and family, with myself and the world around me, with the mysteries of the Universe.
The plan which began to take shape was about becoming more authentically myself, more visible, more generous with my gifts, more attuned to the Universe. I reviewed the new literature on making changes and establishing new habits and found a model that resonated with me. Rather than starting with specific (or even SMART) goals or new processes, this theory advocates starting with identity. Who do I want to be?
As I began my contemplation on who I wanted to be,
suddenly there came a virus with a vengeance.
You could hear doors slamming shut all across the planet. Lockdown. Sudden change left our heads spinning and our hearts softened as we marched to war against something we couldn’t even see.
Uncertainty. Not knowing what was coming our way changed us, turned us back toward the basics, stripped away norms built up over the years of prosperity and gluttony … eating too much, buying too much, self-indulging too much. It was like we had been sent to our rooms to contemplate our futures and think about what was truly important.
My thoughts about a 5-year plan were caught on the edge of this tectonic shift. A plan implies that there is an X in the future that we want to arrive at or achieve. How can you plan for an X five years into the future, when you’re not even sure there is a future or what it might look like?
However, we are here. Right now. And, what we do now counts … it will create our future and who we become regardless of whether we’re in good times or in a totally disorienting apocalypse. We can’t wait for calm waters to figure out how to handle our lifeboat in the middle of a raging sea.
It became clear that the word plan didn’t quite fit this uncertain time of pandemic, climate change, and radical political upheaval. However, what should we call a set of possible actions or intentions chosen to take us to a more desired state of being? Thesaurus and I had a long discussion about words: pattern? picture? guideline?
Nothing quite worked until I started asking questions:
Who am I?
Who do I want to be?
What’s important to me?
What are my gifts?
What can I give?
What do I want my days to be like?
How do I want to spend my time?
Suddenly, it was clear. QUESTIONS.
I don’t want a 5-year plan.
I want a 5-year question.
Whereas a plan is a fixed, step-by-step set of actions focused on a specific outcome; a question would be a living energy constantly refocusing me on my “one wild and precious life” and how I want to live it.
Plans take you to places the world recognizes as good: fame, fortune, accomplishment, recognition, a book published, a piece of artwork sold, a new title and bigger office, a spiffy car, an island hideaway, a marathon record, more followers on twitter.
Questions circles around our essence, inviting new layers into action, calling forth intentions that resonate with who we are, asking (assuming there is a future): who do you want your future self to be?
However, the logical me pushes back, rebelliously shouting, “Remember SMART?” Where are the Specifics? How will you Measure success? What’s Achievable or Realistic about some future self … and what about a Time Frame? What will be on your “to do” list? How will you manage your time? How will the world know that you’re a good and successful person? All right already!
My head spins again as an old tune begins to play …
“What’s it all about, Alfie?”
I’m spinning around whether I should be “doing” or “being” when I realize that’s the wrong question, since as always, it’s both/and. We are living beings who do things. What we do is either a reflection of who we are, who we want to be, or a negation of that standard. If I know who I want to be, I can judge all my actions based on that criteria, asking: Is this action a reflection of who I want to be?
Still searching for that illusive 5-year question, I write:
What do I want in my life
and who do I have to be in order to create that life?
Sounds good, but I don’t feel any punch or excitement and am about to throw in the towel on this whole life plan idea. Why do I think I need a plan or a question or anything? Why can’t I just let life unfold and enjoy the unfolding?
I decide to blame it all on Mary Oliver. Her question from “The Summer Day” haunts me:
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
I had already dismissed the idea of a “plan,” but her question still had energy that prodded me along. I wanted my own question that would be a living energy, constantly refocusing me on what I want for my life and who I want to be.
You, dear reader, might be one of the many saying,
“At 74 you don’t know?”
And, I would have to say yes.
I have clues, of course …
shadow shapes flitting about just out of sight.
Basically though, I’m just going along,
taking things as they come.
Now, I’m ready to claim all my life
even that which lives in the shadowlands.
I want to be fully who I am;
serve the world in my own way,
truly live my “one wild and precious life.”
The more I contemplated all of this, and the question I thought would work, the more I knew it was a hollow husk, desiccated … definitely close but no cigar.
And where, pray tell, did that old saw about cigars come from?
Apparently in the 1900s, fairground stalls gave out cigars as prizes.
People who failed to win prizes would be told:
“Close, but no cigar.”
But, I digress. The question I thought would serve as my 5-year question was floundering … What do I want in my life and who do I have to be in order to create that life?
That question was sparking little reaction, so I signed off, determined to turn to other things. Then the four-am fairy gifted me with one word: Delight.
It startled and delighted me, especially when I caught the word play: de light. That’s what I wanted: to live in the light, be filled with light, to be guided by a beacon of light. To be deLighted. For some reason, it ignited my energy.
Before I had gone searching for this magical question which might open all my channels, I had made a list of qualities I wanted in my life … an exercise most of us with any years behind us have done more than once. Apparently though, it’s one of those exercises that constantly change and is never done and finished. The seven qualities I listed, with no sense of priority, were:
Bliss … now changed to Delight
Relationship … now changed to Friendship
Accomplishment
Connection
Abundance
Inspiration
Adventure
For each of these, I wrote a rather typical affirmation, and, then, following the thought that had intrigued me earlier in this journey, I also wrote a question assuming that I already possessed these qualities … what I call affirming questions. Here is an example:
Affirmation — Delight: I am a lean, strong, hiking photographer always finding beauty and being filled with abundant delight and joy.
Affirming Question: Why am I always healthy, strong, and lean, able to hike through beauty and be filled with inner delight and joy as I capture the world around me with my camera?
Writing these affirming questions, pulled me toward an answer that shook my core:
Because, this is who I am!
The first time I said those words, I could feel their power surge through my body. They made me feel taller, walk straighter. I recorded the series of affirmations and affirming questions and began to listen to and repeat them on my walks.
So, all of this … finally! … leads me to my 5-year defining question (one that defines and pulls me toward where I want to be):
How can I live my life in delight?
Now, it’s time to go back to doing. What do I do on this journey toward delight?
After lengthy contemplation, I was delighted (!) when that answer came in four simple words which I think tie my entire life and being together. I don’t have to run a marathon, publish another book, show my art work in a gallery, or try to be Mother Theresa. If any or all of those things happen, that’s fine, but they aren’t critical to what will bring me closer to a life lived in delight.
The four actions that are critical … for me … which could be considered my Action Model are: Learn — Create — Connect — Share
The Test: To be useful, a 5-year plan (or question) should provide a guide through the challenges of life both big and small. Should I take this job or that? Should I read a murder mystery or organize my photos? Should I join the kids for movie night or stay safe at home?
If we’ve crafted our defining question well, the answer should be clear … of course, we still have choice and, perhaps, we decide not to lean into the question for whatever reasons. However, we now have guard rails to remind us if we start veering off course.
With all of that in mind, I decide to test recent actions against this defining question and action model. What should I be doing about the state of the world, especially the highly divided political world in the United States? Should I pull away from social media?
My current action is to spend a significant amount of time on Twitter and Facebook, reading widely, supporting favored candidates, and donating modestly.
What brings me delight in this process? stories of generosity and heroism, feeling more connected to the world, sharing the collective heartbreak and determination to live through an uncertain time, being part of the resistance to evil and greed, learning more about the world, creating art from my own experience and feelings.
What takes me out of delight? Seeing widespread fear and uncertainty being played out as hatred and divisiveness. Falling into the pattern myself of not being rational and kind. With this challenge at least, I think the process serves me.
Update: August 2021
It’s now about a year and a half after the above thoughts about a 5-year plan was posted on my blog. The idea of living in delight reminded me of my life-long yearning to live on a lake, a non-viable possibility financially. However, within three months, I had purchased a small travel trailer on Lake Almanor. The delight of being there convinced me that I was done with living in cities and prompted me to find a different RV that I had transported to an oak woodland RV park in the mountains east of San Diego. I sold my house in Reno and was delighted to have created a rather offbeat two-RV lifestyle: summer at one lake and winter close to a different one.
However, life likes to stir the pot. Halfway through the summer in my Northern California lake paradise, a spot fire in the rugged Feather River Canyon raged out of control and became Dixie*, the largest single wildfire in California history. The Air Quality Index went off the charts and I was evacuated, officially for weeks and still unofficially until the air is again breathable. I’m one of the lucky ones, my lake trailer did not burn and I was able to return to my “winter place” and enjoy a beautiful summer and clean air.
Keeping my four action words of Learn — Create — Connect — Share in the forefront of my thinking, I began to learn more about the nature around me and created a quarterly journal titled The Granary Tree, celebrating the wonders of the journey. I just finished the fourth volume which you can see digitally by clicking here.
At the present moment, life is uncertain. Will I return next summer to the wildfire prone lake in Northern California, or will I dig my roots deeper into the East San Diego County mountains? Or will something completely unexpected take me in a new direction. I don’t know but I do know Delight will be my guide and Learn — Create — Connect — Share will focus my actions.
*Dixie as of 8/30/2021: 771,183 Acres, 48% contained, 1277 structures destroyed
